Why would anyone choose to work and pay for an apartment, especially in larger cities like New York. You can lead a middle-class lifestyle just as easily if you’re dirt poor. You know, the kind of poor where your mattress is a bench on Central Park and your salad consists of the fallen leaves from the trees with their own special salad dressing: dog pee and dirt in place of poppy seeds, vinegar and oil.
Why do poor people struggle so much when they literally get things handed to them? Granted, they are handed to them not on a silver platter, but rather on a tray of pity and reluctance (or compassion). Poor people have the world in their hands! No, literally, they have the planet Earth in their hands as they desperately grab onto the grass.
In this piece I offer you a concise, to-the-point explanation of how to succeed in poverty without really trying, a sequel to Broadway’s How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. (Mind you, that reference eludes me, as I don’t even know what the musical is about, but the title is relevant, so let’s just be one of those people, you know, the ones who use stark references to seem like they know what they’re talking about).In this here economy, no one has the time to work for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, all for a paycheck that isn’t even enough to buy the tissue paper you use to clean your nose. No matter; all you have to do is enjoy free samples and take advantage community shelters and the generous donations from churches. But if you feel like being a transcendentalist like Ralph Waldo Emerson, you can take advantage of city parks. You’ve got Inwood, Central, and Morningside in Manhattan, which, by the way, is the best part of New York to be poor in, because it’s the most populated and it’s where you’ll get most of your donations. There you can set up your portable fortress, such as a tent, or build a wooden shack, or even an igloo during those January and February snow falls.
If you want your workout, ask twenty-five strangers for a dollar so that you can pay your yearly fee for a New York City Parks and Recreation membership. Here you have access to a gym, a swimming pool, a basketball court, a yoga room, and Macs with Wi-Fi … why don’t you look at that; you won’t even have to pay for Wi-Fi! (also, make sure you remember all the places with free wifi, there’s Sephora, Starbucks, McDonald’s and more). This is of special value to youngsters who want to live on their own but whose parents won’t allow it; go ahead, run away, and your gym membership will be free!
Feeling sweaty after the gym? Do not dismay! They have showers too! Just pick up a free sample of soap from Lush or Sabon, and you will smell lovely! Feeling dehydrated afterward? Just get yourself a free ice water at your nearest Starbucks, which you can find at the corner of any street—how convenient! Or you can go to Teavana and indulge in their large variety of tea samples. Feeling a bit peckish? You can sample every flavor of frozen yogurt at Pinkberry and 16 Handles. Walk into Whole Foods and sample their bread and baked goods. Pretend you’re trying to sample the grapes before you purchase them, and you’ll fill up that tummy of yours in no time. What’s more, with all that water and healthy food, your skin will be flawless!
Want to have your life together? Have an interview? Well after your shower with your free soap sample from Lush or Sabon, go to Sephora and use all the “Try Me’s” to do your make-up, one has no excuse to never look presentable.
Want to use the bathroom but the gym you just made a membership with is a few blocks too far for your convenience? Can’t do it in public? Is the bathroom line at Starbucks too long? Go to any New York City hotel. Walk straight into the lobby as if you are a guest, head straight for the bathroom and relieve yourself.
Need a phone? Obama will hook you up with a government phone—only 60 minutes a month, but that’s all you need! Need someone to talk to? Dial a number at random. If no one picks, up, so much the better; you can wait for the voicemail and pour your heart into the void.
Do not dismay, poor is the thing to be.
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